How To Meet People In San Francisco Bay Area & Make Friends In San Jose, Oakland
How To Make Friends In San Francisco, How To Meet People In The Bay Area, San Jose, Friendship Services Palo Alto, Oakland, Friendship Groups Berkeley, Marin, Bay Area, South Bay
Making Friends In San Francisco
One of the best pieces of advice I received was in my junior year in college at USC, where my professor told us on the last day of class to never turn down an invitation as you never know if it might lead to a new friend, date, business partner, or more. I took that to heart. More about me here.
Related read: How to meet singles in the Bay Area
Meeting people and making friends is less about specific places and what to say and more about being charming (or at least positive), having things to draw from (life experience), repeated/random run-ins, effort, making the first move, expanding hobbies and being ready to say yes to invitations.
Below are some very specific ways to meet people, make friends in the Bay Area (and beyond).
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Is It Easy To Make Friends In San Francisco? Is It Hard Meeting People In The Bay Area?
This is going to be a lot of work. If you are expecting hacks or apps to order friends, stop reading now.
There is no Uber for friends nor Doordash for activity partners. Relying on Meetups and Bumble BFF is not going to fix underlying issues. When it comes to making friends, you can only hope to get out what you put in (if that).
Making friends is a factor of proximity, time, shared interests and experiences.
Time is one of, if not the most important things people have. Don’t expect others to give it away easily. You have to earn it.
This is why people who post questions on local sub-reddits on how to make friends struggle. Can’t expect to make friends automatically. Similarly a lot of people reading such posts are also like the original posters (waiting for others to make the first move).
Related reads
Making Friends Takes Time, Is A Lot Of Work
The cost of living in the Bay Area is high; people don’t like to cross town, let alone bridges and counties, and people sure don’t want to wait in traffic. Most people take friends for granted. They assume friends will:
Be around forever
Never get married
Never have to give up their apartment
Never have kids
Never lose jobs
Never have to go back home to take care of parents, siblings
This is just not realistic. Making friends gets harder with age as people become set in their ways, spend time with other couples, and have lifestyles that limit venturing out.
Most new friends will likely come from parents at kids' schools, immediate neighborhoods, work, or through their spouse/partner etc.
Work friendships fade when people leave. It happens. With layoffs happening regularly, can’t assume you will keep/maintain friendships easily.
Bottom line - things happen and people often don’t put in the work to maintain relationships after they are created. This is also why many people are terrible plant parents.
Related read: SF Coworking Spaces
Making Friends In The Bay Area, San Jose, San Francisco, How To Meet People In Oakland, Marin
General tips on making friends as an adult in the Bay Area.
Always make friends (even if you think you have enough); don’t burn bridges
seems obvious, but lots of people ignore this important step
Don’t rely on people to keep friendships, make plans (need to make direct connections, make plans vs waiting for others to do it)
Invest in and expand existing friendships;
Have dinner parties/host picnics and encourage others to bring guests
Practice good hygiene & first impressions
Wear deodorant, brush your teeth, comb your hair, iron your clothes
Expand hobbies & interests (ideally ones you are passionate about, are not homebody ones). Become an expert in these areas.
Take Toastmasters or improv lessons to practice talking and eye contact.
Too many people have IC roles or spend too much time on computers. Need to learn to talk to people.
Live near public transportation (make it easy to visit others and others to visit you)
Consider your profession (some jobs can be soul-sucking, require long commutes, or don’t help with meeting others).
Take off your earphones, get off your phone
Learn to introduce people to each other properly
Friends to other friends
Strangers to friends
Obviously, not everyone is willing to make changes or afford to alter their lives, but some people are. The more you factor these variables during your life, the more prepared you can be to put yourself in better positions down the road.
San Francisco Social Groups, Bay Area Private Club Guide
Social clubs can be a great way to meet people, make friends as you already have a few things in common: location, demographics (age/background) and interest in meeting people (you are paying to prioritize meeting people).
It’s not enough to join a club though, you will have to be proactive, you will have to have a good attitude, you will have to learn to say yes and invite others to do things and you will have to have some things to talk about (life experience).
Related read: Bay Area Social Clubs
Hobbies & Activities To Meet People In The Bay Area
Volunteer (one off, weekly opportunities)
Take classes (one off, weekly classes);
Become a regular (bar, cafe, library, park, dog park)
Baristas, bartenders etc. can be great connectors
Join a sports team (soccer, softball) or book club, board game night nights
Be a +1 on trivia night teams
Check out street fairs and festivals throughout the year
Market yourself (shirt from your undergrad, hat from your hometown brewery; put stickers on your laptop, get a cool phone cover)
Dress interestingly so people have a reason to chat you up (watch, shoes, glasses, hat, tote bag etc).
Check out meetups
Join a social club (running group, co-working space, etc).
I know what you are going to say: I went to a meetup, and it sucked, or I went to a couple of classes and didn’t meet anyone, or there is nothing I am interested in. Guess what, that is life. Nothing is guaranteed. Part of the reason you are struggling is your mindset (more on that below).
Check again, go to different meetups, and expand hobbies and interests beyond those that only attract other introverts/shy people who are in the same boat as you and unwilling to make the first move.
Immerse yourself in popular local activities and hobbies. These include sailing, mountain biking, hiking, salsa dancing, swing dancing, plans, running, gaming, books, coffee, craft beer, foraging, camping, wildflowers, live music, art openings etc.
Paid subscribers can check out specific classes, venues, social groups etc. I recommend meeting people.
San Francisco Bay Area Third Spaces Guide
Don’t Flake: Confirm Plans, Look Alive & General Etiquette
If you flake, people will move on and forget about you. Too many people flake in the Bay Area, so if you can avoid that, you are ahead of the curve. Similarly, don’t say yes or go to places out of obligation. The only worst thing you can do that flake is to attend an event or say yes to an invitation and be a buzzkill.
Get a calendar (tell people you are putting this in your calendar as you speak
Be ready to share IG, email, WhatsApp, phone number etc.
Take notes on your phone (how you met people, bullet points of what you talked about; keep track of people’s significant others names, jobs, kid’s name, hometown etc.)
Research places before you say yes; if you cancel, people remember and won’t be as likely to invite you again
Be decisive (maybe’s, sounds interesting etc are not definitive)
Look out for super-connectors (these people exist and can make it easy to find others)
You should ideally try anything once, if not twice or thrice before you discount it completely.
Exercise
Eat healthy (need energy to sustain attention)
Arrive early
If running late, let them know ASAP
Check traffic conditions, provide ETA’s
Get some good rest
Be flexible to improvise if plans change (restaurant is closed, private event at a bar etc.)
Take The Lead, Make Plans, Be Specific
There are too many leeches in the Bay Area. You can’t expect to take, you have to give back. People can do this through planning, hosting events, teaching others something/anything (mezcal, happy hours, cheap eats, hidden views, fun local bands, etc.)
How many times have you met someone and told them we should keep in touch or we should meet up again? Some people never intended to do so. Others are, but you have to make an effort. This is why meetups and other staged events can be hit or miss as they are filled with people looking to join others but never take the initiative.
Read publications like SFGate, Oaklandside, Eddie’s List, SFist etc. so you can be aware of what is going on but also spawn some ideas of things to do. People are more likely to say yes if:
You have specific plans (day, time)
Already plan on doing something (have concrete plans with advance notice vs keeping things tbd)
Organize around a theme/idea. Instead of let’s grab coffee next week, say there is a really good coffee shop in x neighborhood. We can meet up there and check out the concert in the park a few blocks down or the street festival is happening a short walk nearby.
It’s important to have plans, have backup plans
Can’t expect people to be excited about your plans if you are not. Low-energy in can yield low-energy
Sample plans that I have made for friends
Oakland taco crawl, Mission taco crawl
Oakland beer crawl, North beach pizza slice crawl
Sausalito floating homes tour
Ferry rides to Alameda, Sausalito
Hosting picnics at parks (bring a blanket, bring things to share)
Croissant competition (each person brings croissants from their hood and we compare at a park)
Make a bon-fire at Ocean beach and invite others in advance or watch them approach you
Get prime real estate space at bars, parks or festivals (people will come to you)
Learn to pay people compliments (and mean it)
Become an expert (people are more willing to do something if someone is knowledgeable about the event, or location, or willing to get things started, i.e., secure a campsite, offer to drive to West Marin, buy an extra ticket to an event, form a trivia team, etc.
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Negative Attitudes, Mindsets & Excuses
Attitudes that limit your ability to meet people, make friends, and sustain friendships.
Costs too much money
there are plenty of free events in/around the city, especially from spring through fall
learn to picnic
research free events each week
figure out places with great happy hours, cheap eats
Too cold
get a jacket, use a burrito as a hand warmer, bring layers
Rain
embrace the rain, it cleans up the city
I don’t want to take BART, cross bridges etc.
I guarantee you that people outside of SF will be more hospitable if you make an effort to visit them
It’s too late
drink a coffee, tea
Surrounding yourself with bad/miserable people
even if you are awesome, if you hang out too often with insufferable people, your friends may become distant
the ultimate way to judge someone is to analyze who they spend their time with and surround themselves with
No one likes a wet blanket. Learn to be upbeat and positive, otherwise stay home until you can change your attitude, recharge your batteries and be present.
Earlier, I mentioned factors for making friendships are based on 3 things - time, shared interests/experiences, and proximity - I lied. There is more to making friends, and that is personality, effort and ability to read people.
Some people are just naturally unpleasant to be around (bitter, complaining, negative, or painful to make plans with). They complain about menu offerings, where to sit, being in the sun etc. The worst ones offer no solutions or alternatives - they just vent.
Related read: Where To Meet Singles In The Bay Area
Be Pleasant, Be Kind, Be Warm
I recently lost a friend of mine here in San Francisco - an older woman in her early 90s. She was one of the most uplifting and pleasant people to be around. Some of us would take her to the presidio, out to a show, out to dinner - it didnt’t matter that we had to be patient with her limited mobility. She was always appreciative of everything we shared and offered her.
It’s hard/impossible to control your location, make time for others or take on new interests, or afford to do things sometimes but you can always control and improve how you approach people, make them feel and go about your day.
There are a lot of bitter people in the city, lots of people going through difficult times. Give people the benefit of the doubt (within reason).
Apps To Find Friends Bay Area, San Jose, South Bay
Meetup App
Bumble BFF (read my Bumble BFF review here)
You can also post on reddit, next-door, facebook groups etc but if you do, don’t be generic and vague i.e. ‘new in town, looking for friends’. State some details like ‘late 20s from X (country/state), enjoy (few hobbies/interests), live in (neighborhood/city) and looking for people to Y.
Related read: Fun Classes San Francisco Bay Area
Having Kids, Getting A Partner or Adopting A Dog - How To Make Friends In San Jose, Bay Area, San Francisco
These are easy ways to meet people but only if you know how to do it. You can’t expect your dog, kid, spouse to make you friends automatically - you need to position yourself correctly.
Dogs - go to parks & places that allow dogs. Be approachable, avoid resting (insert adjective) face. Get off your phone, take off your airpods. Don’t adopt a dog unless you are committed otherwise you are an a-hole for being selfish.
Kids - enroll them in team sports, dance classes, camps etc.
Spouses - you can only count on them for so much, you need to expand hobbies, deepen interests, be approachable and make an effort (don’t expect your spouse to be your social planner).
Related read: How To Make Friends (Other Parents, Dog-Owners)
TL;DR: How To Meet People & Make Friends In The San Francisco Bay Area, San Jose, Oakland, Berkeley, Stanford
If you do all these things, make an effort, and really invest in yourself, you should be able to meet more people over time and ideally turn a few of these connections into friendships.
You can’t let past experiences affect how you approach new people, places, events, etc. You have to learn to give people the benefit of the doubt (within reason). Life is full of people waiting for:
others to say hi to them,
people to invite them to join their picnics,
someone to ask about their outfit,
someone to comment on all the craft beer stickers on their laptop,
that cute girl/guy to ask if that seat is available,
for anyone to join them at a communal table, and
for any human connection.
Passions are infectious - share them with others. People love to learn from others.
Find communities, third spaces that center around specific hobbies and activities i.e. salsa dancing, swing dancing, pick-up basketball, board game nights, trivia nights, art openings, tennis, bouldering, bowling, skating, galas, fundraisers, etc.
“Luck is when opportunity meets preparation.” - Make your own luck.
Dating In San Francisco
https://eddiehernandez.medium.com/dating-in-san-francisco-3ba56015f0
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