Where To Meet Men, Women Over 40 San Francisco Bay Area
Where To Meet Single Men Over 40 San Francisco, Where To Meet Single Women Over 40 Bay Area, Singles Events San Jose, Dating Events Bay Area, Dating Services
Dating In The San Francisco Bay Area Over 40
Dating in the Bay Area is hard, but it’s especially hard if you are over 40. By the time you arrive this stage in your life, you are likely going out less, too busy to date, have kids, lost friends from divorce/separation, have become quite stubborn, are spending too much time on dating apps, have become a bit jaded or are just confused about etiquette and expectations in this day in age.
Dating in your 20s was much easier, even if it was messy. With more free time, less commitment, and lower expectations, it was easy to meet someone organically, and see where it goes. It seems like all the events out there cater to people in their 20s i.e. look-a-like contests, EDM concerts, coffee raves etc. Sure, these things exist, but they are covered in the news way more often despite relatively few occurences. I know, I have monitored Bay Area events for the last 4 years more than anyone else.
I have helped women and men navigate dating apps and find events and activities to meet singles in their areas offline for over 12 years (longer than that if you count all my friends, family members who used my photos to meet their partners, spouses before I did this professionally). More about me here in the news.
Where To Meet Singles In The Bay Area Over 40
I have observed and helped people meet their partners in every way possible over the last decade including: shopping, art openings, classes, being regulars in their neighborhood, in line for restrooms, in their apt building, weddings, blind dates, dinner parties, drive-thrus at Jack in the Box, cafes, restaurants, bars, concerts, galas, fundraisers, pop-ups, Hinge, Bumble, game nights, school, work, protests, social clubs, co-working spaces or approaching someone because of the shirt they had on, sticker on the ir laptop, logo on a hat, collar on their dog, shoes they were wearing, commenting on an overheard conversation and asking if a seat is taken.
The point is, you can meet anywhere, anytime, but it helps to look presentable, be in a good place (or on your way) and make a move (or look open to talking). It helps to try multiple ways to meet people vs doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results, whether its apps, singles events, matchmakers, or the same bar you frequent. Going to the same place and doing the same activity can be hard to maintain an optimistic attitude. Ask yourself: would you date yourself? This is an eye-opening question that can be difficult to answer honestly.
I know someone who attended the same event over 50 times (among other events, activities, and over the course of many years) and, while not specifically looking to date/meet others there each time, met their spouse on the 51st time out. Each time yielded a different crowd, vibe, energy etc. Sometimes you have to try things more than once, or even a few times. On that note, I know a guy who was pretty shy, and despite nervousness, approached a woman solo while she was with two friends. They are happily married now.
Some of the best things in life are achieved when it involves courage, being uncomfortable, taking a leap of faith, making a fool of yourself or not caring what others think and just doing it despite all odds.
Things like timing, context, and luck matter. Reasons why things in the past may have not worked for you.
Did you have low energy? Did you have resting engineer face?
Did you approach someone from an awkward angle/positioning?
Did the other person not want to talk that particular day, moment?
Did you seat at a booth in the corner vs a seat at the bar?
Did you go to an event or venue on an off night?
Are the same people going to the same venue or event or is it a different crowd?
Is your class or bar gender-dominated?
Do the type of people you are interested in attend the event/venue you frequent?
Did you approach people or just hope they approach you?
Did you go out with large groups of friends that block/repel people from approaching you?
Did the person you approached get hit on by a creepy guy right before you and had their defenses up? Did they just go on a string of bad dates and were not interested in meeting someone at that point in time?
Do you live a fulfilling life so you have things to talk about with strangers?
I know this is a lot of questions, and I know it feels like a lot of work, but when you are deciding who you give your time to, and who you will spend the rest of your life with, the stakes are high, you have a right to be selective, but it’s going to take work. This is arguably the biggest decision you will make in life. People often don’t this seriously, get help, make time, or do all the little things that make the process easier. They don’t acknowledge nuance and details and overly simplify experiences. They seek out shortcuts, want answers, don’t want to deal with ambiguity, or look in the wrong places.
Sure, some people have better luck than others and may have met their partners after 1 week on dating apps or first night out after getting out of a relationship. Everyone is different. Stop comparing yourself to others. Focus on what you can control and influence.
Luck is when opportunity meets preparedness. Make your own luck.
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Dating As A Woman In The Bay Area Over 40
Dating as a woman is brutal, and it gets harder as one gets older. Kids, work, stress and life in general make it challenging to remain optimistic. I have been helping women in their dating lives and men are quick to point to gender ratios, women having options, chasing after the top 10% of men and the truth it, this percentage of men would be higher if the bar wasn’t so low.
If you are not meeting men in your area, assess your schedule, lifestyle, people you hang out with, and your body language in public settings. If your time is filled with wine bars, yoga classes, brunch with girlfriends, earphones on hiking trails, silent retreats, that could explain why you may not be meeting men in your life.
Subtle adjustments can make it easier to meet men on a day-to-day basis. Swap out your yoga class for a hike or urban walk, take out your headphones when out in public, sit at bar seats at restaurants with 1 friend instead of sitting at a booth or table in the corner with larger groups of gals, grab a class of wine at a place that also serves good cocktails or great beer.
There are more ways to get noticed and approached, but it takes small adjustments with sustained effort, along with good energy and a bit of luck and timing.
If you are a highly educated woman with an advanced degree or wish to date a man with the same or higher education and career trajectory, the dating pool shrinks dramatically. I am not saying you have to adjust your standards or lower expectations, but crucial to acknowledge many men are not as selective about these characteristics. The article: “Women Need to Date Carpenters Like Men Date Yoga Instructor” is a controversial one, and while you may not agree with it completely, it’s worth a read to understand your audience and how they may think and act differently than you. Figuring out what is a deal-breaker vs just a preference can dramatically increase your dating pool without compromising on values, goals, lifestyle or personality.
Women are usually more selective on apps than they are in person; this is partly due to removing false positives (lying men) and using simple heurisitics to reduce endless options down to a manageable amount, but it also reduces exceptions to the rules from entering your life.
One of my recent clients in the Bay Area recently turned 70, and she met her partner despite doubts, difficulty on dating apps, gender-dominated hobbies. She had a lot going on for her, including taking care of herself, having a great personality, maintaining boundaries, having an open mind about new interests, and checking out new places, having time to date, and being open to advice already communicated to her, but applying it in different ways or through a different lens.
You don’t have to change everything in your life but the biggest decision in life with respect to who you spend your time with demands you leave no stone unturned, make changes in your life and in some cases get help from others who are unbiased (not cheerleader friends who may be unwilling to be brutally honest with you).
Dating As A Man In The Bay Area Over 40
Chances are, you have fewer friends than you did when you were in your 30s, 20s. This is one of the biggest reasons men struggle with dating. Having few friends or even no friends nearby makes it harder to go out or have the motivation to go events. Even if you have friends, they may be holding you back as they may make you appear more immature, less trustworthy, or question your judgment in people.
In addition to lack of friends, related issues like lack of social skills is a big reason why men struggle with dating in the Bay Area. Whether it’s lack of friends, lack of social opportunities during school and formative years, too much time at work or relying on apps/technology too much, many men lag women with social skills that are crucial for dating success. Gender ratios on dating apps are horrible and using them too much will only make dating more difficult.
The common pushback I get from men is that women don’t want to be approached by men in public. That is partially true. They don’t want to be approached by creepy men, get hit on in safe places and environments, or by men who can’t read a room. By learning how to approach women in public, thoughtfully and with purpose, you can leapfrog the gender ratios on dating apps. Similarly, since many men don’t approach women in public enough (or don’t know how to), you can easily stand out as the bar is incredibly low these days (sadly).
I believe you can approach a woman at the same place 10 different ways and get 10 different results based on variables like who she is with, where she is sitting, how she is sitting, who approached her last, how her week is, the last few dates she has been on and so on and so forth. I also believe that in some cases, there is no approach that can lead to success or a better outcome. This may seem like contradictory advice but it requires nuance and context and may be why you struggle when using the volume approach (more likes, more approaches leads to more numbers and more dates) instead of customizing technique, reading people and improvising as needed. Commoditizing women is a terrible strategy and way to view women.
If having quality friends nearby is not an issue, the problem usually lies with unrealistic expectations. Just because you are wealthy, fit, or are an executive, doesn’t make up for things like poor hygiene, boring lifestyle, lack of effort, narcissistic attitude or even lack of time. Men (and women) tend to overly fixate on one or a few variables when dating and don’t step back and acknowledge the bigger picture.
I lost count of how many men are unwilling to make time do date. They have the time but are unwilling to compromise going to krav maga 5 days a week, not skipping their weekly D&D session with their friends, spending too much time at work or commuting instead of taking a job with better work-life balance because they want to chase the AI/FAANG or whatever companies are trending. Life is about trade-offs and compromise and expecting someone to fit in perfectly without any change in lifestyle or effort on your end is unrealistic.
For specific places on where to meet singles in the Bay Area from Marin to San Jose, Oakland, To San Mateo and everywhere in between, check out the guides below.
TL;DR, Dating In The Bay Area In Your 40s
You can’t control others, but you can control how you present yourself, what your mindset is like, and what you have to offer. Resist the urge to spend more time on apps and less time expanding hobbies, taking classes, volunteering, making friends, being present, and living your best life.
Stereotyping dating culture, opposite genders, dating apps, or where you live is a great way to make you less attractive, more bitter and more undateable.
You don’t have to be cheerful and bubbly 24/7, but you do have to be at your best or near it when meeting people because it’s easy to dismiss low effort and energy. First impressions matter and not everyone gets a second chance.
Understand your value. Location is everything, and if you are not valued for the person you are and what you have to offer, it can be as simple as spending time in other places where you are valued more.
Just because something is labeled as a singles event, dating mixer or dating event doesn’t mean it’s good or worth your time. Any schmoe can put up an event on eventbrite or make a flyer and tape it to a post. Similarly, many of you discount regular events because it’s not explicitly for singles.
Part of dating is being vulnerable, taking chances, putting yourself out there despite not knowing outcomes. Personal growth occurs when you get out of your comfort zone.
It’s easy to blame apps, society, genders, and even location for why you are not happy, but rather than focus on what you can’t control, focus on what you can influence: where you spend your time, your attitude, what you have to offer, life experience so you have things to draw from and putting your best foot forward in real life rather than putting all your hope into algorithms and apps.
Dating is often about vibes. Someone may check off all the boxes on paper, but vibes are crucial. It’s why you see people meet often at Burning Man, galas, fundraisers, bar crawls, and dancing. Interests are a good start, passions are better and let your true self shine.
Things like outlook on life, priorities, where to live/retire, how you spend vacations, social circles, places you hang out, where you were on January 6th all matter. Don’t dismiss these qualitative attributes of others and dating culture because they are more important than you think.
Life is hard, there will always be excuses. Dating success has a lot to do with how you approach life, make time, communicate, compromise and deal with adversity. There is only so much time on this planet and it’s often hard to free more of it up so rather than dwell on lack of time, focus on how you can make the most of the moments you do have running errands, getting exercise, with friends and more.
I don’t take many clients on these days but if you are interested in my dating services, you can check them out below. I work with men, women, 20-somethings, seniors, gay and straight, introverts, BIPOC and those who have exhausted all other methods but maintain a positive attitude, have time and realistic expectations.
I leave you all with this song by the late, great Bobby Caldwell that sums it up… what you won’t do, do for love.
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